I Close My Eyes
by Amethyst6
Summary: A songfic. Kathryn tries to convey her love for Chakotay without saying the words. Would appreciate any feedback!


Disclaimer: I don't own nothing but the story. All characters belong to Paramount. Song by Celine Dion.  
  
I would appreciate any feedback, (PLEASE) positive or negative (as long as it's kept in good taste). Email: nlh275@famvid.com  
  
I Close My Eyes  
  
My head is pounding. This is nothing new. But this headache on top of everything else-- another hostile alien demanding we leave their space, damage reports from the resulting conflict with said aliens, and just the pressure of trying to get this crew home. It's too much. Stress is radiating from every pore of my body. I just want to close my eyes and block out the universe. My headache is steadily getting worse.   
  
I sense you looking at me. I know you're concerned, but I can't turn to you, not now. You see way too much. Every part of my body is screaming with tension. I need to escape. Without looking at you, I rise and turn the Bridge over to you. I feel your eyes follow me as I practically run to my ready room.   
  
When I need you   
I just close my eyes and I'm with you  
and all that I so want to give you  
is only a heart beat a way  
  
I bypass my desk and head straight for the couch. Coffee doesn't even appeal to me. I'm much too wired as it is. I need relief. Oh, I know I could call the doctor and have him send me a sedative, but that's not the relief I want right now. What I want, what I need, doesn't come from the doctor. I lean forward, elbows on my knees, head in hands, eyes closed. I press my fingers against my temples trying to alleviate some of the throbbing action going on there. It didn't startle me to feel your hands on my shoulders, although I gave you no permission to enter. Hell, I never even heard you chime. I sigh softly as you work your magic. Tenderly and thoroughly you smooth out the rough spots, making the tension slowly dissipate. Even my headache seems to have disappeared under your ministrations. Again I sigh.  
  
When I need love  
I hold out my hands and I touch love   
I never knew there was so much love  
Keeping me warm night and day  
  
Relaxation turns into something more. Something I pretend not to be aware of, as your hands began to linger around the curve of my neck. Your touch is more sensual, more like a caress. I want this. I want to give in to this feeling, whatever it is.   
  
Desire.   
  
The word flows through my mind like a gentle breeze. I push it away. I can't deny it, though. It feels so good, your strong, gentle hands loving me in the only way I'll allow. Your love surrounds me, keeps me sane.  
  
Miles and miles of empty space in between us   
A telephone can't take the place of your smile  
But you know I won't be traveling forever  
It's cold out, but hold out and do like I do  
  
I reach up to stop your movements. You don't hesitate, as you quickly realize my intent. But before you can pull your hand away I take it into my own. I feel your surprise. This is unusual for me. I need you to know though, that I care. More than I can let you see. But believe me, Chakotay. I care. You squeeze my hand, and I know you understand.   
  
When I need you  
Just close my eyes and I'm with you  
And all that I so want to give you babe  
It's only a heartbeat away   
  
It's not easy when the road is your driver  
Honey, that's a heavy load that we bear  
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime  
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do  
Oh I need you  
  
I rise and look at you. I see the love in your eyes. And I realize I want you to see it in mine. I want to tell you so many things. That it won't be like this forever. That I can't love you like I want to while I'm captaining this ship. I have a responsibility to this crew. I need to focus on getting them home. I want to tell you that we'll make it soon. Someway, somehow, we'll get home. I have to believe that. I want you to tell me that you'll wait for me. I want...so much.  
  
When I need you  
I hold out my hands and I touch love  
I never knew there was so much love  
Keeping me warm night and day  
  
When I need you  
Just close my eyes and I'm with you  
And all that I so want to give you  
It's only a heart beat away  
  
You wait for me and I'm not surprised. Who else would have the computer alert them when I entered my quarters? Yes, Chakotay, I know about that. Even after all the hours we put in on the bridge, you knew I wouldn't stop until the ship was in at least fair condition. All I want when I enter my quarters is to crawl into bed. I can practically hear it calling my name. I don't even care how grimy I am. But you are here in a matter of minutes, drawing me a bath, making sure I eat something, if only a cup of vegetable soup. You lay out my nightclothes and pull back the covers then give me privacy to appreciate it all. I call out to you, fighting my tiredness a little while longer.   
  
You enter the room and smile when you see me settled comfortably in bed. "Yes, Kathryn?" you whisper so softly.   
  
Have I ever told you how much I love your voice, I want to ask. Instead I only could whisper your name. "Chakotay."  
  
I see your eyes widen. It was all I could say, all that I can give you, while in my heart I know you already have everything within me.   
  
It's enough.   
  
I watch you walk over to me. I can smell the clean maleness of you as you bend down to kiss my forehead.  
  
"I know, Kathryn. I know," you whisper.  
  
I close my eyes.   
Song: When I Need You  
Artist: Celine Dion  
Track Time: 4:11  
Written By: Albert Hammond and Carol Bayer Sager  
Published By: Albert Hammond Enterprises (ASCAP), admin. by WB Music Corp. (ASCAP), R & M Music Productions, Inc. (ASCAP) 


End file.
